A Taiwanese man was rushed to hospital over the weekend after suffering massive blood loss and trauma. Paramedics were called to the man’s address only to find him stood outside, dressed in a blood-soaked gown clutching a rice bowl that contained his severed testicle. His wife, who was beside him, kept exclaiming,
“I accidentally bit it off.”
Normally when you read about women biting men’s genitalia off it’s because of revenge. Two Italian women were convicted last year—in separate incidents, believe it or not—for attacking their lovers and tearing their genitals off with their teeth; one because the man cheated, one because the man refused a threesome. A similar incident also occurred in Romania where a woman attacked her husband and tore his scrotum open after he refused to help her on International Women’s Day.
But this incident in Taiwan is different. It occurred because of love, not hate. Oh yes, the woman apparently bit her husband’s testicle off during love-making because of a “surge of excitement”. This concept raises… so many questions. I’ve gotten excited over a lot of things in the past, but I’ve never bitten someone’s testicle off. The couple in question were also aged 51, and 49, for the man and woman respectively, so we can’t write this off as inexperience. As part of a healthy loving adult relationship we have to assume that this woman has been around bollocks before. And, generally, a really important rule about balls is that they’re very sensitive to pain.
So why the f*ck were her teeth anywhere near those nuts?
Seriously, had she been biting this man’s balls for decades and he hadn’t said anything? Or was this a spur of the moment thing? Also was it an instantaneous bite? Like taking a piece out of an apple? Or was there a gradual increase of pressure?
Ah Jesus, you know what? Never mind. We don’t want to think about this for one more second.
Unfortunately there’s no good news for the Taiwanese man, either. They could not reattach the testicle because of the risk of infection. So he’s down one little soldier forever.
RIP little testicle, your boss was a d*ck and your neighbour was an asshole, but you didn’t deserve what you got.