So, uh, this happened. This is a thing that isn’t made up. Some guy shot his d*ck off while robbing a hot dog stand.
Let’s do this beat by beat.
So, a 19-year-old guy robs a hot dog stand with a .38 caliber pistol. He points it at the 39-year-old worker’s head while demanding that they hand over the cash. At this point in time another worker starts to hand the money over but, having greasy hands, accidentally drops it all. The 19-year-old robber bends over to pick the cash up while keeping the gun pointed at the worker’s head. Then he takes the money, turns around, and slides the gun into his waistband. While fleeing he adjusts the waistband, accidentally pulls the trigger, and blasts his penis to smithereens. One of the worker’s seizes the opportunity and tries to wrestle the gun off the now-penis-less robber but the robber manages to slip away into the street.
He fumbles for about a hundred metres until he promptly passes out from blood loss and is picked up by police at around 6am.
So let’s rewind and ask some questions.
First, who robs a hot dog stand? It’s like you’ve got a gun and the world’s your oyster, yeah? You could rob a jewellery store, a bank, or even just any normal store. But I’d like to think that robbing hot-dog stands, or anywhere that serves food on wheels, won’t give you a lot of street cred. Was it a convenience thing? Like was it because it was the first robbable location he saw? Because if so then that just makes him look super lazy. Furthermore, are hot dog stands renowned for being flush with cash? We just think it’s a lot of risk for what is going to be like, at most, a hundred bucks.
Second set of points, what do you do after you’ve shot your dick during a robbery? Do you throw your hands up and accept imprisonment, but with the hope of recovering your d*ck? Or do you run like a mad man and hope it just kind of heals itself up nice and good? Do you just hope that you can still go home, whap a bandage on it and be good to go? Or, is it like “oh sh*t well that’s gone forever now! No point risking my freedom over shredded dong, might as well run!” And, at what point during your escape, do you question your decisions? See, if it was me, I’d be turning every few feet to check nothing had like, ya know, dropped off. I wouldn’t want to get home and realise I'd left by dong at a crime scene. That’d be very embarrassing for both me and the forensic scientist who had to handle the remains of my penis
Third set of points. How did the hot-dog guys cope with this? There are no reported casualties attributed to laughter so we can guess they managed to keep their cool. I’m not sure I could say the same. If some guy threatened my life at 6am during a night shift on a hot dog stand for some loose cash and then that guy shot his d*ck off I think I’d still be laughing right now. But maybe they were legitimately concerned? Were they like, “Wow that guy nearly killed me, but no one deserves that. I’ll go help him”?
Either way, it's a pretty intense way to mess up a crime and we bet it'll make a great story for his grandchi... oh wait.