The world’s first male sex doll has been fully unveiled. Henry, who features toned abs, an English accent, and “model good looks” will debut somewhere between £8-11,000 in terms of price. He will feature a “made-to-order” penis so you can tailor the uh… “fit” of your experience. He also comes with a string of romantic phrases taken from famous poems which he will use to uh… “seduce” his owners. His manhood can even have a customisable shape, just in case you ever wanted to get nailed by a six-foot-tall Englishman with a penis shaped like a novelty pool toy (or any other shape you may choose).
So far Henry still needs a few kinks *giggles* worked out. His designers are trying to get the movement just right before he goes on the market. They need to make sure that motorised pelvis doesn’t become a health risk for those on the other side of it. Obviously, they wouldn’t want the negative press attention should one of their sex dolls brutalise some poor woman to death with a d*ck customised to look like a Christmas tree, so they need to fine-tune his gyroscopic hip thrusting to make sure he’s the right mix of firm and gentle.
No, we’re not making this up.
But I do have to ask – who is testing this? Would you volunteer to be the recipient of an experimental robo-ass-blasting? I wouldn’t, but clearly someone has to be testing this right? Or else how do they know Henry has all the right moves? Who, I ask you, who in the Realbotix offices is volunteering for an experiment that could see their pelvic floor reduced to dust because a simple computing error? That cannot be a healthy mindset.
The creators of Henry believe he could help lonely women with companionship. Head of the company Matt McMullen said,
“Women have the same issues of loneliness as men. People call them sex dolls but mostly it’s about companionship.”
Meanwhile Harvard University’s Dr Cathy O’Neill had this to offer:
“What’s not to love about a dashing manbot? It’s possible they will out-perform men.”
I’m not too surprised to hear that a mannequin with a dildo glued to a hydraulic mechanism could “out-perform” men, in the same sense that a jet engine could out-perform a toaster. But we have to wonder if its missing some of the nuance. Are there many women desperate to spend £11,000 on a facsimile of the male form when, from what I have been told by female friends, there are many devices that can achieve maximum satisfaction while still fitting in a bedside cabinet?
Also, getting caught with a traditional sex toy probably won’t get you put on some kind of list of weirdos. Whereas having one of these lifelike sex dolls in your house guarantees you’ll be the first person taken by the police in when a corpse washes up in the Thames wearing nothing but lipstick and suspenders.
But who am I to judge?