A Nigerian man and five of his relatives have been arrested after they assaulted a cook and a policeman, nearly beating them to death. The trouble began when Babagana Mustapha, who operates a keke napep which can best be described as a kind of rickshaw or taxi-tricycle, pulled over and asked a nearby man if he could help change a note. He wanted to take his 100-naira note and exchange it for two 50-naira notes. Pretty simple, right? That’s a situation I think we can all relate to.
What happened afterwards… maybe not so much.
Babagana took the two notes and decided, for reasons he has seen fit to keep to himself, to accuse the cook of stealing his penis.
(I’m not going to lie. This story has been a doozy to write about and research and yes we do research!)
Missing Male Organ: 6 In Trouble For Raising False Alarm https://t.co/lD27DZ8itc— Knight of Ni (@rmltpie) March 27, 2018
He started to attack the cook, shouting at him and nearby pedestrians saying that the cook had stolen his penis and had done so while the two were exchanging notes. At this point a passing police officer named Corporal Gideon Balogun crossed paths with this scene. His advice, while far from optimal, was at least somewhat helpful in that he told Babagana that if the cook really had stolen his penis he should take him to the police station and not just beat the tar out of him.
Babagana took this as a sign of a grand conspiracy and found five of his family and friends to provide backup. Together the six of them attacked the policeman and the cook savagely and it was only the timely intervention of another policeman that saved their lives. After the six men were arrested they were taken to the nearest police station. A quick examination revealed that Babagana did indeed have his penis intact, so he was charged with not just “conduct likely to breach peace” but also “raising false alarm of missing penis”.
6 Lands In Trouble For Raising False Alarm Of Missing Penis A Keke NAPEP operator, Banagana Mustapha, 28, and ... https://t.co/EUFOm8590z— NetworkOfNewsNigeria (@NofNews_Nigeria) March 26, 2018
Which is just great, isn’t it?
We’d like to take a moment and review the first charge. “Conduct likely to breach peace”. We think the “likely” part is particularly funny given that, you know, two men were nearly beaten to death by a savage mob. Sounds to us like the peace was thoroughly and absolute breached. But we also love the general sense that there might have been a legitimate case of penile theft. Seriously, not only did the policeman tell the taxi driver to take the cook to the station (sounds like the start of a joke, doesn’t it?) to check if his penis was missing, but after the assault and arrests police went ahead and checked to make sure the man's penis wasn’t *actually* missing. And then, just to top it off, it turns the Nigerian courts have the already established charge of “raising false alarm of missing penis”.
Every single step of this story is hilariously insane. Every. Single. Step.
What a time to be alive.