I’m not going to lie – researching this article sucked. I’ve searched things that mean I’m probably on an FBI list and I’ve seen things that make me feel like I belong on that list. I have read first-hand accounts that would make the average man weep. It’s no secret that our genitals are sensitive and that reading about horrible things happening to them is unpleasant. And yet… you’re going to read anyway aren’t you? The same way I kept clicking and clicking until I had a satisfactory number of horrific genital injuries. Also, I bet you want to know why the cover picture was of someone water skiing right? Admit it, that piqued your curiosity.
Don’t worry, it’s coming right up.
1. Water skiing douche
So, water skiing is a sport where you cling to the back of a boat with big planks of wood on your feet while skimming across the surface of water. A water skiing douche is what happens when you fall… genitals first. Essentially you kind of ski on your ass with your orifices pointed at water being blasted at your holes going anywhere between 45 to 60mph. Thus the water skiing douche is born and it is terrible. I’m just going to leave you with the following quote form a 1980 research paper titled “Medical hazards of the water skiing douche”:
The hazards of vaginal and rectal laceration, salpingitis, tubo-ovarian abscess with resultant infertility, induced abortion, and associated complications are reviewed.
…vaginal and rectal laceration? Christ… has there ever been a worse injury described?
2. Ruptured testicle
Okay, so uh, you might have asked yourself, “what happens if enough blunt force is applied to a testicle?” and some tiny voice in the back of your mind may have replied “it pops” but, like me, you probably just repressed the idea that it can even happen. But it can. And the clinical description of what happens is easily one of the grossest things I’ve ever read.
Testicular rupture is a rip or tear in the tunica albuginea resulting in extrusion of the testicular contents, including the seminiferous tubules. It is a rare complication of testicular trauma, and can result from blunt or penetrating trauma, though blunt trauma is more likely to cause rupture.
What is a seminiferous tubules? What is a tunic albuginea? I don’t know. I never want to know. All I know is that I never EVER want the contents of testicles to extrude anywhere.
3. Testicular Torsion
I have the unique distinction of actually having experienced a testicular torsion! An experience best summed up as “your ball rotates, the tubes get tied, and nothing gets in or out”. My own testicle swelled up to the size of a tangerine and the pain was unbearable. I was lucky though. A torsion can end in a dead testicle that floats up into your abdomen and just… hangs around in there while slowly rotting. Not only can this lead to infertility but the infection can result in cancerous growths that spread and lead to death. Me? I got away with an awkward examination at the hospital after it corrected itself. Although I vividly remember trying to tepidly explain to my teacher why I thought I should be excused from class while trying to not mention my fruit-sized testicle or the fact it was glowing like a red-hot coal.
4. Snapped banjo string i.e torn frenulum
The frenulum is… well the penis has a head and a shaft and on one side of the shaft where the penis looks a bit squid-y you’ll notice a piece of connective tissue known as the frenulum. It’s also called the banjo sting because it’s all stringy. Also, just like a real-life banjo string, it can snap. That is in itself awful but there are numerous gruesome tales online of the frenulum getting caught in the gap between women’s front teeth. So there’s that. Just think about that. I had to, so now I want you to, because suffering shared is suffering halved.
5. Snapped Penis
The penis is not a bone. We call it a boner and joke about it being a bone but it isn’t. It’s actually a spongey material that is filled with blood. So if it’s not a bone then at least it won’t break like a bone, right?
Wrong! It can! And yes, the girl being on top is the ideal way to snap a d*ck in half like a fistful of dry spaghetti. The experience we had described to us by yet another anonymous source (because no one wanted their name associated with this post) was that it appeared as though a “plum had mysteriously grown on one side of their penis”. In this case that plum was a bunch of blood squirting into loosened skin. So there you have it. You can just flat out break a d*ck in two. Too much weight and it’ll just snap it like a shotput dropped on a poppadum.