The world is a weird place. Science has marched ever forward and discovered crazy things. Materials as thick as a single atom, cars that drive themselves, phones that answer questions, and Taylor Swift. But nature is even crazier. Nature is all out with its weirdness. Lobsters living forever, poisonous snails, and Taylor Swift. Nature is insane. And when you think about all the crazy nature-ness that we haven’t discovered yet it must be even more insane. So what is out there? What’s lingering under the veil of mystery?
Cryptozoologists study this mystery. They try to piece together all the information about yetis, bigfoot, the Loch Ness monster, and other strange possibly-real creatures (like Taylor Swift’s ass). They call the things they study ‘cryptids’ because making names up is a guaranteed way to look legitimate. Well, there are a butt load more cryptids than just ol’ bigfoot. Some of them are weird. Really really really weird. How weird? Scroll down below and find out!
Giant spiders from Congo? No thank you! Keep that sh*t to yourself. I don’t want no giant spiders. Leave them be. The Jba Fofi is a mysterious creature that supposedly lives deep the African equatorial jungles. Ancient tribes describe it as a 6ft spider capable of overpowering a man. It spins its webs between two trees before burrowing into the ground and emerging later on to snack on its treats. The Jba Fofi has been spotted all over the world (even Nottingham, which is pretty far from the Congo), and its descriptions vary massively. Generally though, the premise is simple. Giant. F*cking. Spider.
The Jersey Devil is one of the more recognisable cryptids, with thousands of sightings since its supposed birth in 1725. This cryptid has a haunting legend behind it where supposedly in the early 18th Century Mother Leeds, pregnant for the thirteenth time, cursed her unborn child out of anger and frustration. The child was born appearing normal but over time turned into a monstrous creature with a goat’s head, hooves, wings and claws. The Jersey Devil is rumoured to stalk the woods of New Jersey leaving hoofed prints in the snow.
The Bunyip is a cryptid from down under, with its origins rooted in the ancient oral traditions of the Aboriginal Australians. It is also quite distinct because… no one knows what the f*ck it looks like. Seriously. The descriptions are all over the place. A bearded snake, a cat-like mammal, a giant otter, a reptilian ape; all of these and more are terms that have been used to describe this strange enigmatic creature. It’s believed to lurk in rivers where it waits to eat passers-by. We’d tell you to look out for it… but we don’t know what ‘it’ is.
This cryptid isn’t quite like the others. It’s not scary. It’s not giant. It’s not going to eat you. It’s a bit like the jackalope. A small harmless creature that supposedly makes its home in South East Germany. Apparently it’s a lot like a quail, or a chicken. It’s just a small flightless bird that, supposedly, goes great with stuffing and cranberry. Also, it has tits. Full blown human tits. Just a normal chicken with a giant pair of jiggly human-sized tits, complete with nipples. Yeah… we said this was a weird one.
Man Eating Tree
So, this one is weird and gross and creepy. But apparently deep in the heart of Africa is a man-eating tree with wavy tentacles that snatch people up and eat them. We think the best description of this comes straight from a first-hand description of an old-timey explorer:
“The slender delicate palpi, with the fury of starved serpents, quivered a moment over her head, then as if instinct with demoniac intelligence fastened upon her in sudden coils round and round her neck and arms; then while her awful screams and yet more awful laughter rose wildly to be instantly strangled down again into a gurgling moan, the tendrils one after another, like great green serpents, with brutal energy and infernal rapidity, rose, retracted themselves, and wrapped her about in fold after fold, ever tightening with cruel swiftness and savage tenacity of anacondas fastening upon their prey.”
Right… So… F*ck that. Quivering palpi? Furry tentacles? Sudden Coils? Errr, no. No no no no no no no no. I’m staying well away from that.