It’s very cool at the moment to like bad films. Tommy Wiseau’s The Room is (somehow) getting honoured with a full-blown movie by James Franco about how it was made. Mystery Space Theatre 3000 is back with vengeance. And Cara Delevigne is still allowed to act. Clearly being terrible is the new awesome. But we at Digzoo want to remind you guys that it’s still okay to sometimes just call a crap film crap. You don’t have to like every rubbish film ironically. You can just call a turd a turd and there’s nothing wrong with that. So we went out there to find *the* worst films we could think of. We’re trying to avoid B-movies that were intentionally goofy, and we don’t want to present you films that you’ll have seen a million times before. We hope that even if you’re a mega-movie-nerd there’ll be at least one disaster of a movie in this list you hadn’t heard of. Enjoy!
1. Rhinestone (AKA Sylvester Stallone and Dolly Parton sing)
So if you thought this list was gonna start off easy and get worse you were wrong. We’re diving into the deep end with Rhinestone (1984) where Dolly Parton makes a bet with her evil producer that she can turn any one into a country music star. Her producer picks Stallone who plays an obnoxious tone deaf New York cabbie. If she wins she’s out of her (evil) contract with her (evil) producer, but if she loses she has to stay for another five years and, for some reason, sleep with her (evil) producer. Why would anyone agree to those terms? Because movie, so shut up! Anyway, she and Stallone move in together, sing a bit, fall in love, and then they win the bet and stay together in a romantic relationship. So there you have it. Rambo and Dolly Parton in a musical RomCom learning to love and live. It’s… Jesus, we really did start on a bad one didn’t we?
2. The Karate Dog
No, this isn’t a Family Guy bit that someone photoshopped a joke poster for. It’s a real film. An honest to God real movie that someone sat down and wrote, cast, built sets for, shot, filmed, edited and released and at none of those stages did anyone slap that person hard enough to knock teeth loose. Worst of all is that Chevy Chase and Jon Voight were cast. We can only assume some guy with a gun had their children in a storage locker somewhere and that was the leverage needed to get Jon Voight and Chevy Chase to star in this film. Highlights include a talking karate dog teaming up with a cop to defeat the villain who killed his owner, said karate dog fighting Jon Voight in a CGI mess of a scene. And uh… yeah that’s it. No other parts of this movie are worth watching except the fight with Jon Voight.
3. Garbage Pail Kids The Movie
Wow, took me a while to stop screaming hysterically after seeing this picture. No, don’t worry, you’re not looking at some grotesque science experiment gone wrong, it’s a film. This may be a bit before your time but there used to be these trading cards about ugly kids with abnormalities and deformities (way to go eighties) and uh… you collected them? I guess it was pokemon before pokemon. Kids have always collected stupid crap so I won’t judge it too hard. But I will judge this car-crash of a movie with nightmare children running around. So, in the film these alien kids (I think aliens, there’s a UFO but it’s shaped like a garbage can, it’s really not clear) come down and befriend a boy and just… well… shenanigans? I don’t know. The eighties had a *lot* of drugs so that probably explains this film but there’s a lot of unfunny jokes and cringeworthy scenes as dwarfs in rubber costumes run around a set.
4. One Eyed Monster
Huh… I said I’d try to avoid movies that were intentionally stupid but this sort of thing can’t be left out. Let’s just get on with it, shall we? Right, so once upon a time there was a guy called Ron Jeremy who had a large penis and starred in porn films. If you google him you’ll wonder why anyone let him in front of a camera but whatever. It happened. He was allowed in front of a camera and he was regularly filmed having sex and paid for it too. He became famous for it, believe it or not. And years later someone made a film about him going to film a porno when an alien crash lands, takes over his penis, and then runs around killing people in the usual penis-y way (use your imagination). It’s a kind of meta-horror film and it’s tragically bad. When you aim this low and still fall flat on your face you know have a terrible film on your hands.
5. Theodore Rex
So clearly Whoopi Goldberg owed someone a kidney or something crazy because somehow at the height of her career she starred in a film about a policewoman who teams up with a talking dinosaur to solve crimes. The true story is actually weirder in that apparently Whoopi Goldberg agreed to star in this terrible film verbally during a party (she was clearly drunk) but years later the producer who’d got her to say this turned up and asked her when she wanted to get started on that dino-cop film they’d discussed. Whoopi tried backing out, saying that, ya know, she was drunk and it was a verbal agreement which wasn’t exactly a legally binding contract… well, long story short, a verbal agreement *is* legally binding. The producer took her to court, sued her for millions, and in order to avoid bankruptcy she finally gave in and agreed to film but only if she got paid $7 millon USD. So uh, this whole film kinda feels like it was made just to spite someone else.
6. Mac and Me
So what do you get if you cross ET with a McDonald’s commercial? You get Mac and Me! We highly recommend you watch some clips of this on youtube. The highlight is a four minute long musical scene in McDonalds where children dance and everyone awkwardly chats about how awesome their favourite restaurant is. But there’s rarely a moment in this film where that horrifying little rubber dummy isn’t trying to stuff a Big Mac into its face, and the movie is desperate to convince you to your nearest drive-thru which just makes the whole thing even sadder than if it had just been a bad go at copying ET. As it stands this feels like one of those cringy attempts by corporations to be hip and with yung’uns so they can sell more rubbish.
Ever wanted to see acclaimed actor Gary Oldman walk around on his knees while he pretends to be a midget? Nope? Well, he did it anyway. Say hello to Tiptoes, a movie where Mathew McConaughey reveals to his pregnant fiancée (Kate Beckinsale) that his whole family are midgets and that there’s a good chance their baby will be a midget. He takes her to meet the family so she can decide whether she’ll keep the baby (because she doesn’t want a midget baby) but she gets caught up in a love triangle with midget-Gary Oldman. So yeah… if that sounds like the most insanely stupid film you’ve ever heard of then congratulations, you have more sense than at least one Hollywood producer.
8. Mazes & Monsters
So once upon a time people were afraid of Dungeons & Dragons. Yup. They thought it would encourage people to try out witchcraft and worship demons and because it made them sit around all day and fantasize about violence then they’d become violent in turn. Following this logic one man funded and made a movie warning people about the dangers of Dungeons & Dragons where Tom Hanks (yup, that Tom Hanks) goes to university, meets some people, and they all get high, drunk and play Dungeons & Dragons. He proceeds to lose touch with reality and even kills his friend during his crazy fantasy. Then the film ends on a warning that you shouldn’t play D&D. So… yeah. If you thought the “video games cause violence” debate was dumb then you’re lucky you weren’t around for a time when people pictured their kids smoking reefers and rolling dice on the way down to hell. As for Tom Hanks starring in this abomination? Well we can’t really blame him, we all gotta start somewhere.
Gobble gobble mother*cker! That’s the premise of this movie about a demonic turkey that was created by an ancient Native American shaman to seek revenge against Caucasian settlers. Thus Turkie was born and he is raised from the dead at the start of the film and spends his time attacking and killing a group of students. Highlights include a trucker trying to have sex with the killer turkey, the turkey impersonating a human by wearing his face, and hammy dialogue delivered with extra cheese. Oh what the hell, as stupid as this film sounds I really wanna watch it now.
Foodfight is best described as Toy Story in a supermarket with the worst special effects of an animated film ever made. Don’t believe me? Check this out.
Yeah that’s from the film. Worst still this film is basically a giant commercial and it doesn’t follow any internal logic. Why is there a cat woman, a dog who can walk and talk, and intelligent food produce all hanging out in a supermarket? I know it might be stupid to think this in-depth about a kid’s film but it’s just weird and confusing. Best part of this tragic film though? It’s the cast. Charlie Sheen, Hillary Duff, Eva Longoria, Christopher Lloyd and Jerry Stiller all have major roles in this film. Which is insane when you realise it’s a botched direct-to-dvd travesty that looks like a bad Wal-mart advert!