Right let’s just start at the beginning. Rick Perry, Energy Secretary of the United States of America, has said that fossil fuels help prevent sexual assault. For those not in the know ‘fossil fuels’ is a term used to describe fuel that originates from organic material (fossils) that was compressed by geological processes over millions of years. They include coal, oil and gas and are generally the stuff that produces soot and smog and are usually labelled as the culprits behind global warming. Also they’re running out, so there’s that.
Now, you might be wondering, ‘how does a 68-million-year-old dinosaur that’s been crushed into a flammable paste stop rape?’ And you’d certainly be right to wonder! We’ll just let Rick Perry outline his theory in his own words.
"But also from the standpoint of sexual assault, when the lights are on, when you have light that shines, the righteousness, if you will, on those types of acts. So from the standpoint of how you really affect people's lives, fossil fuels is (sic) going to play a role in that. I happen to think it's going to play a positive role."
Alright, that’s one way to connect the dots. Until now I thought he was going to suggest something totally crazy, like oil-leaks keep rapists busy because a slippery penguin is an irresistible target to the sexually deranged.
Still, (and this is being extremely generous) Rick's theory isn't totally insane because rapists may indeed be afraid of bright lights (who knows?). And turning the lights on has been a vital part of mankind’s approach to fighting off “scary stuff” since the dawn of time. It's just that when you think about it, if you were going toe-to-toe with a greased up Jeffrey Dahmer you might want more than a torch on your side. Also from we understand Harvey Weinstein was running around for years in brightly lit environments so clearly it can't be that effective.
Still... let’s not poke holes in Rick's theory and, for now, just accept the idea that lights keep rapists away.
There’s still one thing niggling away in my mind.
Why wouldn’t wind or solar power do the exact same thing?
Moving on, Rick Perry has been promptly ridiculed by pretty much all the news outlets. Not least because he’s produced the kind of stupid headline that no one can resist going with. But, what do you think? Will the loss of fossil fuels result in a Mad Max style orgy? Or does this sound like the raving gibberish of a man whose brains are made of mashed potatoes? Does solar power fail to keep the rapists at bay? Is coal and gas the only way to save our ass? Let us know in the comments!